Coming out

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Coming "out of the closet" to friends, family, co-workers, and others.

Overview "Coming out of the closet" is the process of accepting oneself as a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered (GLBT) person and deciding how open to be with others about your sexual orientation. The decision of when and if to come out, and to what extent, is a very personal decision. A GLBT person may choose to come out to a few trusted friends or to everyone he or she knows.

Contents 1 Being "in the closet" 2 Deciding to come out 3 The risks in coming out 4 Deciding whom to tell 5 Coming out to family and friends 6 Coming out to people in your community 7 Coming out at work 8 Handling people's reactions 9 Finding support 10 National Coming Out Day

[edit] Being "in the closet"

Coming out may be a long process and some GLBT people never do come out. They remain in the closet; they keep their sexual identity a secret. GLBT people who choose to remain in the closet do so for a number of reasons:

They may fear discrimination from others because of their sexual orientation.

They may worry about the effects of coming out in their personal and work lives.

They may feel that their sexual orientation is no one's business.

They may wish to keep many aspects of their life private.

They may feel unsure about what would happen if they did come out to family members, co-workers, and people in the community.

The urge to fit in can be so strong that in the short term, for some GLBT people, lying or not telling others seems easier than coming out. People may be in the closet in varying degrees, from outright denial of being GLBT to just not discussing any part of their personal life. Any degree of being in the closet takes energy to maintain and can cause tremendous stress. Being in the closet means living a life of secrecy, and pretending to others that you aren't who you are. As PFLAG, the support, education, and advocacy organization for Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, puts it: "Hiding your sexual orientation keeps the important people in your life from knowing about a big part of you. Hiding who you are keeps your relationships from being real."

[edit] Deciding to come out

GLBT people are coming out at a younger age than ever before, as social conventions change and as more role models, public figures, and mentors make their orientations known publicly. Coming out is a process of self-discovery that can be both painful and freeing.

It means first accepting yourself and your sexual identity. Before you can come out to others, you must come out to yourself.

It helps to read and to find out about people who have come out and to learn about GLBT issues and the gay community where you live. There are excellent books, articles, and online resources, including the Human Rights Campaign's National Coming Out Project, http://www.hrc.org/ncop. (For a list of resources, see the tip sheet "Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, Transsexuals, and Gender Identity: Understanding basic terms and resources.")

Remember that coming out is a process -- it's not something you do once and then you're done. You may choose to tell some friends and relatives, but not others. The process can take months or even years.

It is easier to come out if you have a "coming-out plan." The plan might include a set way you plan to tell people, or a chosen setting or time.

You should never feel pressured or rushed to come out. Do so only when and if you're ready. There is no timetable but your own. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to come out, only the way that is best for you individually and for the people you love

[edit] The risks in coming out

Often GLBT people struggle for months or years about coming out because they fear:

Rejection. Not everyone will be accepting. Some people lose friends or support from family after coming out.

Discrimination. While many workplaces, schools, and communities have policies and practices of non-discrimination, anti-gay jokes, comments, gossip, harassment, and exclusion still exist in many places.

Property damage or physical harm.

[edit] Deciding whom to tell

Here are some steps to take when coming out:

First "test the waters." If you aren't sure how someone will react, test the waters by first broaching the subject of sexual orientation in general. You might ask a question like, "My cousin just told me he's gay. Do you know anyone who's gay?"

Tell the people you trust most first. That might be a close friend, relative, or teacher. Explain that they are among the first to know. Ask people to respect the confidentiality of your conversation. You might say, "I wanted you to know. But please don't discuss this with anyone. I want to be the one to decide whom to tell, and when to tell."

Talk with GLBT friends about their coming-out experiences. When you're ready to come out, ask those same friends to be available afterwards, so that you can let them know how it went. If things went well, you can celebrate together. If things did not go as you had hoped, your friends can offer support.

If you don't have someone close you can tell first, consider talking with a counsellor, therapist, or someone from a GLBT support group. For a complete list of hotlines and support groups, see the tip sheet "Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, Transsexuals, and Gender Identity: Understanding basic terms and resources."

[edit] Coming out to family and friends

Telling parents, grandparents, siblings, children, aunts, uncles, and friends that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered can be difficult, no matter how comfortable you are with your identity. Coming out takes planning and practice.

Decide whom you want to tell first. Consider telling your parents first, along with any siblings. GLBT people often worry, "What if my family rejects me?" Sometimes family members may be shocked or rejecting, and this is the time to find outside support. Often, family members will come around, but it may take months or even years.

Choose a time to have the conversation when everyone is relaxed and has time to talk. You know the people, and you're in the best position to decide when to tell and in what setting.

Find a way to begin the conversation. You might begin by saying, "We're close. But I've been keeping a part of myself from you because I've been worried about how you might react. I want to be open and honest, and because you know me so well, I'd like to share this with you."

Give people time to react. People may need time to adjust. Some of your friends or relatives may say that they knew all along and they may be just fine with the news. Others may be surprised. Just as coming out is a process, "finding out" is also a process -- it takes time.

Be prepared to answer questions. "How long have you known?" "Does this mean you'll never have a family?" "Aren't you worried about AIDS?" "Why have you kept this from me?" "Who else have you told?" "Have you given the opposite sex a chance?" "What makes you certain that you are gay?"

Remember that you don't have to tell your whole family at once. Be sure to communicate to people whom you have told if you want your conversation to be kept confidential.

People may react in ways you weren't expecting. Even with planning, you may be surprised -- pleasantly or unpleasantly -- by people's reactions. The person you thought would be most supportive may be shocked. The person you dreaded having the conversation with may give you a big hug and say, "It's about time you told me. You know what? I'm gay, too."

Leave the door open for future conversations. You might say, "I know this may have come as a surprise to you. You may have questions or think of things to say tomorrow or next week. We can continue to talk about this whenever you want."

[edit] Coming out to people in your community

In the process of coming out, you will also want to decide if there are others in your life and community whom you want to tell that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered. Do you want to tell your neighbours? Your child's teacher? Your health care provider? Here are some suggestions:

Doctors and health professionals should be among the first to know. Many health professionals are accepting of GLBT people, and are also attuned to the unique health challenges that they face. In some rare cases, a health professional may be homophobic or not accepting. If this is the case, change health providers.

Think about which people in your life and in your community are important to you and your family and consider telling them. Again, it can be a good idea to first test the waters. For example, if you are considering telling your child's teacher, you may want to contact GLBT family resources in your community or the wider community. Two helpful resources are the Human Rights Campaign at http://www.hrc.org/familynet/index.asp (go to the "FamilyNet" page once you are on the site); and Family Pride at http://www.familypride.org.

If you decide to come out to your child's teacher, schedule a private time to meet to have this conversation. In the meeting, tell the teacher that you have decided to come out and that you wanted to share this information with the teacher. Explain that you know that you both have the best interests of your child in mind. Explain, too, that you expect the teacher to take prompt action to stop any teasing or harassment of your child by other children who may decide that your family's makeup is something to be made fun of. Allow the teacher time to ask questions, and provide him or her with answers, reading materials, and resources.

You may want to come out to your legal or financial adviser in order to afford the best legal protections for you and your partner.

Pay attention to your feelings. Come out to people in your community as it makes sense to you to do so.

[edit] Coming out at work

Coming out to co-workers or your manager is also a personal decision. You might worry that if you come out at work you will face subtle or obvious forms of discrimination from co-workers or management. By hiding this fact about your life, people may not trust you if they feel you are being dishonest. But at companies that are supportive of GLBT people, that's much less likely to be true. In general, people who reveal their sexual orientation in the workplace report minimal or no repercussions and they report increased happiness and more balance in their work and personal lives. Being open about aspects of your non-work life can lead to closer relationships with co-workers and your manager.

Here are some tips on coming out at work:

Find out if your company has a written policy of non-discrimination based on sexual orientation.

Decide whom you want to tell. Since your primary loyalty at work is to your manager, it's best that your manager be the first person with whom you discuss your sexual orientation. :Disclosing your identity to your manager sends a signal of trust, and usually has a positive impact on your professional relationship. If you're unsure about how to proceed, someone in your company's human resources department may be able to provide some assistance.

Talk with GLBT people at your company who have come out. Find out if there is a GLBT employee network group at your company. You may discover that there is quite a community, and that people are welcome to include same-gender partners at company functions. Or, on the other hand, you may find people who would advise you to downplay your orientation at the office because of real or perceived discrimination. There may be formal or informal mentoring relationships available for GLBT employees. Your ultimate responsibility is to take care of yourself and your career in these situations, and to stay within your own level of comfort.

If you decide to come out at work in stages, be sure to tell the people who know that some co-workers don't know that you're gay. Explain that you want to be the one to tell them.

Come out in your own words and your own way. If you don't feel comfortable making a direct statement like, "I'm a lesbian," then drop subtle or strong hints. When talking with a co-worker, for example, you might refer to your partner.

Here are some tips on managing your GLBT identity at work:

Find mentors and role models. Once you come out at work, search for like-minded co-workers who can serve as mentors and role models, both within your company and outside of work. They may belong to a formal, policy-making body within the company, or be part of an informal group of gay or non-gay executives and managers whom you'll be fortunate to find one by one. They are worth searching for, and typically are fairly visible.

Network with GLBT people within the company. Many companies have resources for GLBT people, offered through the company's employee resource program. Contact information may be listed on your company's intranet site.

Join a GLBT professional organization. For example, consider joining Out and Equal Workplace Advocates (http://www.outandequal.org), a national organization that offers workshops, conferences, and network opportunities to build and strengthen safe and equitable workplaces for GLBT people and their allies. Or join a local organization.

[edit] Handling people's reactions

People may react differently when they learn that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered. Here are some suggestions on handling different reactions:

Give people time to adjust to the news. A co-worker, friend, or relative may need time to absorb the information. Tell them you are available to answer any questions.

Recognize that while some people may be tremendously supportive, others may be shocked, saddened, ashamed, or disapproving. They may worry what friends or relatives will think.

Realize that although it will not make a difference to the majority of people you tell (and that some may react very positively), some people may reject you. Developing a community of friends and co-workers who are supportive will help make this rejection less difficult.

Some may hope you'll change your mind or that this is "just a phase."

Some people may wonder if you told them because you find them attractive and are interested in a date. If you find yourself in a situation where a straight person assumes that this is the case, you might say something like, "I'm telling you this because I want our professional relationship to be based on honesty." Or, "Don't worry -- you're not my type." :Depending on your relationship with this person, humour may go a long way to reduce tensions.

[edit] Finding support

Coming out is both a difficult and liberating process. It will likely require courage on your part. Coming out can increase your energy and your self-esteem, and the trust and confidence others have in you. The more support you have from friends and family during this time, the easier the process will be. And the more open you are with the important people in your life, the deeper and richer your friendships and relationships will be.

Source: The development of this publication was done by the Ceridian LifeWorks

[edit] National Coming Out Day